Watching a loved one go through a painful experience is difficult. Someone in my life is dealing with both physical and emotional pain. They’ve really been dealt the short end of the stick this week. Sitting with them, talking with them, and listening to them spew every problem they’ve come across has been really hard for me. I didn’t want to tell them, but I’ve been unconsciously trying to make our conversations shorter because of it.
It’s not that I don’t want to talk to them, I very very much do. I am just awful at comforting people and dealing with my own sense of inadequacy. I feel inadequate because I can’t be there physically to sit with them and offer them a shoulder to cry on. However, as I said, I’m bad at comforting people in general. The distance just makes it that much more difficult.
I tend to distance myself from situations where any kind of pain is involved – a reasonable response to such a scenario, wouldn’t you say? I called my mom not too long ago and explained my frustration to her. I said I didn’t know how to be there for this person without actually being there. She reminded me that relationships are rarely 50/50 and usually end up somewhere around the 80/20 ratio. It was my time to give 80% and suck up the uncomfortable, awkward feeling I had.
So here I am, sitting on the phone with the person I love, listening to them tell me that just being on their screen was a source of comfort. I wonder how I am so lucky to have such loving and beautiful people in my life. As my second to last week at Ballet Divertimento is on it’s downward curve, I realize that my first experience living alone wouldn’t have been half as fulfilling or exciting without all of their support.
That was their 80%, now it’s time for mine. I am fortunate to have the partner I do at 18 years old. I believe our paths crossed at a good time, at a time where our values and ideas complemented each other. They are my number one supporter and I am theirs. Right now, I need to remember all of the times their presence has comforted me and try to apply that same feeling to their situation. I miss them very dearly and I would give so much to be sitting right next to them. Staying on a video call is the least I can do.