I do my best not to push my fear to the side. I feel as though ignoring it will only make it much worse when I have to inevitably face it. Lately, I’ve had a lot of fear. Graduating high school did wonders for my self-esteem and stress levels, but definitely did not help the impending sense of dread that accompanies adulthood. It’s all about balance though.
You see, I don’t let fear stop me from doing much. Every once and a while, my fear will paralyze me. Fish, for example, really freak me out. I have always hated swimming with them, eating them, or touching them in general. The only exception would be fish tanks, but that’s really an aesthetic thing. Because of this extreme dislike and fear of fish, I rarely swim in the ocean. I will work myself up to be able to do it, wade into my knees, and freak out at the sight of a little cichlid. It’s really unfortunate, I love everything about the ocean except those finned freaks.
The fear I’m experiencing now is a lot different. It’s less of a fear of something tangible and real, like a fish, and more of a fear of the potential. The potential for failure, for loss, for missed opportunities, that scares me.
But I still won’t let it cripple me. I have to keep moving forward no matter what I fear may stand in my way. My determination and resilience are two qualities I refuse to give up. They sustain me, they inspire me, and they took a lot of work to develop. I have these qualities for moments like this, moments when I need my strength more than anything. I will hold onto it and fall back on it like I am meant to do.
Eventually, when I do face my fear, I will only be stronger because I acknowledged it and didn’t allow it to paralyze me.
I hate multitasking, but I do it anyway. I always half-ass my work when I multitask. No matter what, I cannot give 100% to three or four different goals at the same time. When I was growing up, multitasking was all the rage, but now I think people are starting to understand that dividing attention when working on something important might not be the best idea.
I’m multitasking right now. I’m writing this blog, talking to someone about an upcoming trip, thinking about all of my belongings I need to pack for this upcoming trip, checking my itinerary, my hotel reservation, my boarding passes, my passport, etc. I’m multitasking to distract myself from my anxious energy.
My anxiety is coming from several different places. The one that is front-and-center right now is a page I am working on that I don’t feel like I am contributing to well. I believe in this page, I love what it stands for and what it is trying to create, but my fear of my inadequacy has kept me from doing outreach and adding value.
I think in some ways, public education really made it easy for me to tear myself down. I have noticed that many of my peers outside of the school I went to have a lot more constructive opinions on my work than most of my teachers did. My constant worry that I am not adding value to the projects I work on may stem from the overwhelming pressure I felt to compare myself to others and my past self. These ideas of measurement all came from public education. I see them as a failure of assessment.
From now on, I want to only focus on improving my communication skills without judging my past mistakes. They have inhibited me so far, making me feel incapable of even trying something new. It is time to let them go and realize that they are products of a system that never wanted to help me.