Settled In

Relaxing in a different environment can be hard for some people. I’ve traveled and moved around so much in my life that a new living arrangement is a norm for me. With that being said, settling into my apartment at McGill has not been as easy as I thought it would be. Perhaps it’s because the situation is slightly less temporary, perhaps it’s because I won’t be leaving when my family does, or perhaps I feel uncomfortable here. I can’t rule out that possibility.

Despite my settling in being unsettling, I do like the space I’m in. It’s small, but not too small. Just small enough that I can live in it without feeling overwhelmed by the amount I have to clean. We snuck in cinder blocks to elevate my bed and I have a window where I can set all of my plants and electronics. My desk is larger than the one I have at home so I know I will enjoy doing my work on it (at least more than I did on my other one.)

What I’m trying to say is, everything seems to be ok. Life here will calm down. I’m not required to participate in anything. I’m missing Rez Fest tomorrow to spend the day with my family because they’re leaving on Tuesday. Everything is by my terms and it feels good. Even if it’s just a taste of freedom, I’m more than satisfied for the time being.


What a Week

Missing two days of blogging is just the bitter cherry on top of my already melted sundae of a week. Despite losing my streak with my boyfriend ( which is very important, I know it sounds stupid, but it’s really how our relationship started and is valuable to us, ) losing my blogging streak, falling sick, losing my laptop charger, losing my bags in Montreal, and losing my mind all at the same, I have somehow managed to maintain my sanity.

Honestly, I’m at my wit’s end. This week has been absolutely horrible. I couldn’t think of worse conditions to move to a different country in. I’m reminded by those around me to look at the bright side of things – I am moving, which I have been wanting to do, and I’m moving to one of my favorite cities. The bumps in the road along the way are just temporary inconveniences.

My bags are coming tomorrow, I’m moving this weekend, and I seem to be getting over whatever cold I caught. There is a light quickly approaching at the end of the tunnel. I will admit it has been exceptionally hard to see the silver lining of this dilemma.


Tying up Loose Ends

Tomorrow is my last day in New Mexico. If you had told me five years ago when I moved here that I would have a bittersweet goodbye, I’d tell you that you’re crazy. A lot can change in five years though. I think about the young woman I was when I moved – upset, confused, worried. She was still looking for something that brought her joy and fulfillment. She wished away her youth.

I don’t reject the person I was five years ago. Every part of my life has brought me to this moment today, which is one that I am very grateful for. Now that it’s time to go, I have been focusing on tying up loose ends in New Mexico. Saying goodbye to old friends, packing, cleaning, collecting checks, moving money, scanning documents, thinking about the future a lot.

Thirteen-year-old me would be thrilled at the idea of leaving and going somewhere such as Montreal, but I’ve grown fond of this little valley and all of its quirks. When I wave goodbye tomorrow, I will remember all of the fond times I had with friends and family. I will remember late nights with my friends, collecting lab samples at the lake, and staying up to watch Game of Thrones.

Thank you Moreno Valley, it’s been fun. I’ve grown out of you, but I haven’t grown beyond you. I’ll be back soon.


Bittersweet and short

I had a ballet class today that made me feel like a new person. I love the teacher, her style, her passion, her aggression towards injustices within the ballet world, etc. Her class lifted my spirits after two and a half weeks of nonstop travel. However, it also made me very sad to remember that it was the last class I would ever take with her.

I haven’t taken many classes with her. She was diagnosed with an auto-immune disorder when I had first started dancing, so she was out of commission for the earlier part of my ballet training. When she came back, her teaching reminded me of how much I enjoy the musicality and inflection that ballet should express. So many other teachers get caught in repetition and technique, that they forget that the audience has no concept of 180 degrees of rotation. They only want to see beauty and feeling through movement.

I’ll miss her. I wish I could take her with me so she could continue to support me in what I know will be a difficult transition. I truly hope I am wrong, and that this was not my last class with her.


Have Your Elephant, and Eat it Too.

I’m moving much sooner than I thought. The elephant of packing up my life and settling in another country has been weighing on me. I’ve known for a long time that I needed to start planning and packing for this new phase of my life, but I have been ignoring it for the sake of my own comfort. So, this elephant has been sitting in my room for a while, and now I need to eat it. Double metaphor, take that College Board.

Today, I packed up my entire closet. I had quite a large closet and kept the majority of my property in it, so this was a big task to tackle. I slowly picked through my clothing, putting a decent amount in donation bags, another decent amount in trash bags, and the majority of it in moving boxes. They’re sitting behind me on my dresser, all eight of them, reminding me that I will leave this room for the last time in just a few days.

I left my elephant alone for too long, perhaps not wanting to acknowledge how exciting but frightening it’s presence was. In all honesty, I am overjoyed that I am moving. I don’t think I ever honestly felt at home in the area I live. With that being said, I sometimes wonder if I will ever find a place that feels as warm and comforting as a home should. Will it be Montreal? I doubt it. I don’t think I am lucky enough to move once and be satisfied. I am far too transient for that.

Have your elephant, and eat it too. Not because you want to, but because the world beckons you onto bigger and better things. I said goodbye to one of my mentors today, I could hear the pain in his voice when I told him I was leaving on the 20th. He has become a figure I can look up to, someone who inspires me and motivates me to work harder in pursuit of my dreams. The phone call was by far our shortest, most likely due to the immense ache of loss we both felt. I will miss him, I know I will see him again, but I will still miss him.

Change is not one elephant, it is many small bitter elephants that pop up when you least expect them. The elephant of walking away, the elephant of saying goodbye, the elephant of last steps, last hugs, last laughs, last moments of memory and nostalgia. The elephant in my room is slowly chipped away at by the knife and fork of transition.

To comfort myself, I like to think that change is the only constant in life. It reminds me to find peace in unpredictability.