When Something Feels Wrong

Today, I sent an email that just felt wrong. It wasn’t that it was written poorly (even though it may have been) or that it was mean, it just wasn’t true to who I was. I sent an email basically saying that I would have to stay in college to make a few things work in the coming years.

This email didn’t seem too daunting when I decided to send it. I thought that my reasoning was perfectly sound, which, in all honesty, it is, but it still doesn’t feel right to me.

One of the main issues I’m having with college is a lack of purpose. Yes, I’m taking classes I enjoy, writing papers, filling out exams, turning in assignments, and showing up for class. every. single. day. Still, nothing feels fulfilling. It’s probably a contributing factor to why my blogs have been so meh. I don’t feel invigorated, therefore, nothing I do is invigorating.

Maybe this will pass with time, or maybe it won’t. Either way, I have decisions to make.


Halfway Through

Midterm season is winding down for most students, which means we are more than halfway through the semester (woo!)!

I have about a month and a half left before I go home and let me tell you – I am excited. I have probably never been more excited to go back to New Mexico in my entire life. As the month inches towards an end, I am looking forward to the holidays more and more.


Dismissing Panic

Midterm season is a panicky time of the year. I would say this type of stress comes around about 4 times in most everyone’s life. If you’re a student, it’s midterms and finals. If you’re in the workforce, it’s quarterly reports and quotas. I have no doubt there are more examples, but I want to dive into the idea of how to dismiss this type of panic.

I’m most likely going to be taking summer courses in 2019. I have an 11-month lease on this apartment and will probably be in Montreal, so I have no reason not to do so. I want to get out of college as fast as possible, so if I take summer courses I’ll be halfway done by the beginning of the next fall semester. If I take summer courses again, I’ll be on track to graduate by the end of 2020. Graduating after two years of work is nearly unheard of, but I’m determined to study on my terms.

Although I am very ambitious and passionate person, panic has never evaded me during times of stress. Today, I frantically checked my GPA through an online calculator to make sure I was where I wanted to be. I plan on taking a gap year for the next fall and winter semesters, so I have to maintain a GPA of 3.0. A 3.0 is a 70% at McGill, so it’s entirely doable, but some fear set in after I noticed how I was struggling in my French class. That worry commanded my thoughts for the next hour during my philosophy conference where I am sure I missed valuable information about the upcoming essay we have.

Halfway through the conference, the panic was still there. I was checking different combinations of grades to see how poorly I could do to maintain a GPA of 3.0 even though I knew I would never reach that low. It was the fear and desperation to know that everything would be ok that had me tapping away at my phone. At this point, I took notice of what I was doing, how I was feeling and recognized that I needed to take a step back from this obsession.

In high school, I was obsessed with grades. Ultimately, I did get something out of it. I was valedictorian of my class, received more scholarships than any other student, was recognized by the Governor of New Mexico. I met and worked with my two amazing mentors and joined Original Path. My perfectionism looked fantastic from the outside, but it had slowly eaten away at my mental state. It was a wake-up call when I found myself crying over a mark of 89% in one class.

Since then, I’ve been careful to catch myself when I get nit-picky about my grades. Especially as a college freshman, I have a lot to learn before I should be too concerned with my marks. I’m not failing, not by any means, so I should divert my attention to more important things such as my mental and physical health.

So I did just that – I diverted my attention. I told myself I was going to solely focus on my philosophy conference until it was over, and if I still wanted to panic about my grades once it was, I would be able to go home and do so in private. That ended up not happening because a sense of panic will usually pass through the human mind rather quickly. The trick is to distract yourself. When you find yourself becoming obsessive over anything, distracting yourself and taking your focus away from the object of obsession is always the safest and most effective way to fix the situation.



Busy Busy Days

My past two days have been quite busy. I have been running from place to place, writing midterms, studying for other exams, and trying to manage internships and a regular courseload as well. I touched on this subject yesterday, but I was very tired and not prepared to dive into it.

Today, however, is a different day. Yesterday, I had four classes, one midterm, and one midterm review. I met up with a friend briefly during lunch because that was the only time either of us could scrape together to see each other. It was a big reminder that growing up and following through on your adult responsibilities will limit your social time. To cap the day off, I had dinner with a family friend who is helping me to get my passport application in. A very busy day that ended around 1am.

Today, I had a nail appointment around 11:30. I get my nails done every two weeks, but I swear it’s for practical reasons. I don’t wear makeup or use hair products other than shampoo and conditioner, so the money I save on what would be a woman’s “usual” beauty budget goes towards keeping my nails and eyebrows maintained. As someone who wants to be an entrepreneur and present a put-together representation of me, this is a reasonable expense.

After that, I had a French monitorat session. Monitorat is an ungraded, incredibly laid-back, class that everyone in a French level is required to take. My level is 103, so I was only required to take 3 monitorat sessions. I chose the first three available to get it out of the way and this one was my last one. The whole goal is to improve your oral comprehension and application of the language. Although I enjoy it, it definitely threw my schedule in a loop these last three weeks.

Around 4pm, I had a meeting at my bank to discuss savings accounts, a US chequing account, and credit card applications. The representative was extremely helpful and understanding when I told her that I was unfamiliar with a lot of these processes. Although it was not hard to get that done, it did take up a decent chunk of my time.

When I got home, I had a little time to put together some dinner before I changed my clothes and hopped back on the metro (for the 5th time today) to get to ballet.

Now, I can rest. I probably shouldn’t be though. I am meeting with my class group for my final project in communications tomorrow. I should be studying for a French midterm on Monday. I want to dig through last years eCalendar and see what courses were available in the summer. There are so many things I wanted to do that didn’t get done. There is never enough time in the day.

More often than not, I have to pick between very close priorities. I haven’t been to the grocery store in 10 days and am beginning to run low on food. I am most definitely going to go tomorrow, but it will make my day just as packed.

Growing up means taking care of your responsibilities but not allowing them to get in the way of taking care of yourself. It will be difficult to find a balance for a while, but I’m prepared to work through it. I’m enjoying this transition phase as much as I can and I won’t let a few hiccups ruin all of the amazing things I have seen and felt.


Finishing the Day

Sometimes finishing your day can be the most difficult process. I find that during times of stress, pushing myself to do the simplest things is what exhausts me. Meeting a friend for coffee, getting caught in a crowded metro station, weathering the windy fall day. All of those simple parts of my day weighed on me.

I have no doubt that this has more to do with the time of the year it is. I’m slightly more stressed than usual with midterms and some travel coming up. Trying to balance that with a normal course load and my internships has been less than easy.

Tomorrow will be a better day.


Why I Hate Uber Eats

Like many college students, interns, and busy people in general, every once in a while I get worn down and don’t have the time to cook something. I usually turn to leftovers or something quick in my pantry, but sometimes I turn to much eviler forces – Uber Eats.

I’m incredibly guilty of relying on Uber Eats at the time, which is truly a sin in my book. Not only is it horribly expensive, but the food is never good. I cannot tell you one time that I ordered Uber Eats and felt satisfied with what I got. This last time, I ordered a vegetable stir fry that was a whopping $15.00 and it was mediocre at best. I knew I could have just as easily gone to the store and spent $15.00 on vegetables that would have made me a better stir fry that could have lasted all week.

We all fall victim to feeling stressed or busy. However, on the days when we aren’t stressed or busy, we should prepare for the days when we will be. Prep food, do your laundry, clean your apartment, use your extra time to get little, easy things done so you won’t fall into the trap of Uber Eats or Postmates. The reality of delivery or convenience options is that you pay horrible markups for horrible food.

Since my last disappointment with the app and it’s deliveries, I have deleted the app. It’s too tempting and too easy to open it and scroll through all of the options. The glamour of the food in promotional photos sucks you in and, before you know it, you’ve ordered $15.00 of vegetables in a bland basil sauce. Don’t even give yourself the option. Delete it and plan ahead next time.