How Long is Too Long

When is enough enough? This is a question I have always struggled with. When will I be sick enough of what I am doing that the rewards I am offered are not valuable enough to keep me slogging away?

I’ve spent twelve and a half years in education. As the semester inches to an end, I find myself feeling the same sense of dread that I have spent for the majority of my life. My grades loom over me like an all-seeing-eye, reminding me that I’m not free to do much of anything if I can’t keep my GPA at a 3.0

The reality I’m facing is scary. I do feel as though I have let a part of my life go. I don’t feel like I am the same person who left New Mexico two months ago. Perhaps this wouldn’t be such a bad thing if I had grown in a positive direction, but I feel as though I have done the opposite. My confidence in my abilities and intelligence is faltering. I am scared to let it fall any more than it already has.

I know I have options, but even that fact frightens me. Last night, I learned that I have support from those I love to do whatever I want to do that will make me happy. They have told me that my mental health and joy come before any kind of degree or association. Although this conversation relieved me, it added a new kind of pressure. Now, the choice is put onto me. So what do I want to do?

For a long time, as long as I can remember, I have wanted to make an impact. Who doesn’t right? No one goes out into the world with the goal of being ordinary and quiet. No one interesting anyway.  Of course I want to make an impact. When I made my food pantry, I knew I was making an impact. When I did my senior project speaking out against my school, I knew I was standing up for every student who had been trampled on by an administration. I knew that my radio shows were making an impact. When my blogs or pieces for Original Path are spread through social media, that’s an impact.

That feeling is what elation is. It motivates me like nothing other. That desire to expand my reach far and wide is what gets me out of bed in the morning, keeps me eating well and exercising, and motivates me to take care of myself emotionally. If I allow myself to feel like shit when I can do something else, my reach is not valuable, because what I advocate becomes a load of bullshit.

Maybe that’s where my fear lies. If I stay and get my degree, do what everyone expects me to do, I will surely be in a secure place, but I’ll also be miserable. If I leave and do something daring, I will be following my own advice and putting myself into a new situation filled with fear and excitement. I’ll be on the edge of something amazing. I may still be miserable, I may find that my unhappiness does not lie in my environment or situation. However, I’ll never know if I don’t try something new.

Nobody tells you how scary freedom is when you’re constantly battling for it. Nobody tells you how you won’t know what to do once you have it.

Eloragh

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The Perfect Blogger

I’ve never claimed that blogging every day would be my goal forever, as much as I would like to think that I have that kind of ambition. Although daily blogging has given me a lot, I realized that it is hard for me to sustain.

Despite this realization, I don’t want to give up. I enjoy writing, I love sharing my thoughts, and I love creating content. Even though I have faced many many bumps along this road, I’m not going to pull over just yet. November is a new month, with new goals, and new opportunities. My November ambition is starting on October 28th.

I’ll be going to AynRandCon next weekend and I am incredibly excited. I have yet to read anything from Ayn Rand (although I am slowly making my way through Atlas Shrugged), but I was impressed by the Ayn Rand Institute’s dedication to young entrepreneur’s and ambitious people who want to connect. I cannot wait to meet so many bright, young minds.

This week, I am working on a paper about consciousness, attending lectures about the anthropology behind immigration, and desperately trying to stay afloat in my French class. Bless my professor’s heart, she is the sweetest, most welcoming woman, but I am starting to wonder if my French is salvageable. If anyone can save it, it’s her.

See you tomorrow.

Eloragh

Collect Yourself, Then Move

These last few weeks have been filled with essays and exams. I’m completely exhausted from every hoop I have had to jump through in October. I decided to take a little time off from school today and do some work on projects outside of academics.

I wrote a piece on Original Path, created a video for a company I really want to work with, and spent some time with people that are very important to me. I took a moment to collect myself before moving on from this difficult but rewarding experience.

Now it’s time to continue on.

Eloragh

Two Months Down

As October is coming to a close, I want to reflect on how my first two months of university have been. In short, I am not confident that I will be able to continue here.

There are parts of adult life that I was unprepared for. Being in a different country all by myself has created different kinds of anxiety in my life. Charting new banks, government offices, healthcare systems, etc. while figuring out how to simply live by myself has been hard.

I’m determined to continue to try. Regardless of whether or not I decide to stay in college, figuring out my life is not a choice. I have to find a way to live and function that works for me. I have to create a budget and stick to it, get my nutrition back under my control, and pull myself together in general.

However, I want to do this slowly. I think I should focus on feeling good before I try to become uber organized.

Eloragh

When Something Feels Wrong

Today, I sent an email that just felt wrong. It wasn’t that it was written poorly (even though it may have been) or that it was mean, it just wasn’t true to who I was. I sent an email basically saying that I would have to stay in college to make a few things work in the coming years.

This email didn’t seem too daunting when I decided to send it. I thought that my reasoning was perfectly sound, which, in all honesty, it is, but it still doesn’t feel right to me.

One of the main issues I’m having with college is a lack of purpose. Yes, I’m taking classes I enjoy, writing papers, filling out exams, turning in assignments, and showing up for class. every. single. day. Still, nothing feels fulfilling. It’s probably a contributing factor to why my blogs have been so meh. I don’t feel invigorated, therefore, nothing I do is invigorating.

Maybe this will pass with time, or maybe it won’t. Either way, I have decisions to make.

Eloragh

Halfway Through

Midterm season is winding down for most students, which means we are more than halfway through the semester (woo!)!

I have about a month and a half left before I go home and let me tell you – I am excited. I have probably never been more excited to go back to New Mexico in my entire life. As the month inches towards an end, I am looking forward to the holidays more and more.

Eloragh